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In the words of the immortal Bonnie Tyler: "I need a hero. I'm looking out for a hero 'til the morning light. He's gotta be hard, he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fresh for the fight."

Indeed, Bonnie. Those were the days: when men got Brut for Christmas (and used it!). And only a real man could satisfy the likes of Bonnie, the gal who gargled with broken glass before flossing with a wire coat-hanger.

But now we live in the age of John and Norma Major, Norman Lamont and... Normy. It's fashionable to be useless. In those stakes, Normy is unparalleled on the beach. He is to surfing what John Major is to opinion polls. So now that all the beach babes have been abducted by time-travelling space aliens, I guess there's not much to be done - unless Normy can get his act together, that is.

Normy is a wacky creation of the programmers, but the game style is undeniably platform.

Reach the captured babe at the end of each level. Snore.

Normy faces wave after wave of hysterical historical foes. Be they caveman or peasant, all they need is a flick of the weapon he's carrying. Normy makes use of whatever's lying around, so he starts with a hammer with extending boxing-glove. Later he moves onto stones, spears and other implements with limited usage (including a strangled chicken).

Behind that mind-mannered exterior is a racing potential of Linford Christie proportions. Tapping it is as easy as pressing the A-button. Normy dashes off, and maintains this speed until the gauge in the bottom-left of the screen is full. Dash power is used to cross gaps, make higher jumps and knock out enemies.

Hidden within Normy's code are a selection of great and good coin-ops of the past. For nostalgia, challenge and plain fun, try to locate secret sub-games like Asteroids and Space Invaders.

If a game ever matched its title, this is it. Normy is the most dull, mediocre and normal platform game ever constructed. I can't recall a more blatantly unadventurous and unremarkable cartridge.

What's more, it seems to revel in it. The graphics are atrocious - two-dimensional, repetitive and simplistic - and they're matched with some awful music; a tinkly, parping nonsense in the background. The humour isn't funny - sub-Wayne's World surf-talk and sight gags, the sub-games are so scret you can barely find them and the main substance of the game is so bland it's not worth it.

It's sad that EA are accepting this sort of standard from some of their developers. It does tend to tarnish the image cultured by games like FIFA.

My, what a piece of mediocrity. Normy starts off looking like any other unfunny cartoony platformer you care to mention, and continues apace seemingly happy with its bland lot.

Graphically, it resembles an Amiga game with a minimal colour palette and backdrops which contain nothing whatsoever of interest. Ok, so if there was a stunning game in there to save it, EA would be able to breathe a sigh of relief. But there isn't and this dooms Normy to a life of unplayable obscurity.

The sprite detection is duff, the sound atrocious, and the only way Normy will be remembered is when people read this issue in a few years' time and sigh with relief because they never bought this underfed platformer.

Presentation 67%
N. A poor intro, bland intro screens and a general feeling the game was lazily put together.

Graphics 65%
N. Not cutting edge Megadrive visuals. Okay, they're meant to look naff, but Normy just looks like a dog's dinner.

Sound 52%
N. Boring, boring, boring. Plinkety-plonk, rinkety-dink. If music is wallpaper, this is Novymura in magnolia.

Playability 60%
P. Moderately playable over the short-term, as all platform games are.
N. Utterly limited and basic, even the prospect of stumbling on a hidden game, doesn't thrill.

Lastability 44%
N. It won't take long to complete, and you won't even find it interesting in the time it does.

Overall 53%
Maybe this is one big joke, with Normy being normal, but it's on you if you pay £40 for it.