It's Saturday afternoon and crowds of two-legged mammals are thronging the terraces to watch 22 hairy legs converge on a leather bladder. Football, eh? Fantastic!

Up to four players can take part simultaneously (using a special adaptor - from Microdeal, surprise, surprise) footballing against each other or the computer. Having decided on match and weather conditions, the players run on to the pitch.

Moves including kicking, tackling and heading. Throw-ins, corners, goalkicks and penalties are awarded by the referee.

"And that's about it, isn't it Greavsie?"

"Yeah - until the next time, Saint."

I haven't laughed so much at a football game in ages. The players wobble about like those 50km walkers you see staggering into the arena at the Olympics. Maybe they've all caught some terrible joint-wasting disease. Either that or they come from Flint (ho ho).

Er... that's great if you've got 20 quid to spare just for a laugh: if you've actually after a football game, you've had it. The controls are so awkward you never really feel in charge of your team and there's no real scope for developing any soccer skills. Unless you're a masochist, give this a miss.

I wonder if Microdeal have seen Microprose Soccer and Emlyn Hughes yet - if they have, I bet they're going really red. International Soccer on the Amiga, is pretty pathetic compared to both those excellent C64 footy games.

I could put up with the really badly drawn menus and the absence of the kind of league and world cup draw options that make Emlyn and Microsoccer so good, as long as the actual gameplay was something to write home about. It's not.

None of the controls are obvious, it's a real pain switching players and most of the time you have so little influence on the team you might as well be watching a demo.

Presentation 72%
Up for four simultaneous players, nine computer skill levels plus options to change conditions and length of match. Extremely awkward control method, though.

Graphics 50%
Contortionist footballers plus uninteresting cheering crowds.

Sound 45%
Choice of three supermarket-style background tunes and a few squirty effects.

Hookability 49%
Nothing's obvious - so it takes a while to work the controls out.

Lastability 30%
The two-player options might keep you going, but not for very long.

Overall 45%
If you're after a top-class footy sim, this isn't it.