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"It's a funny old game, Snoz - I mean, the boy comes out dressed like a fruit salad at a barn dance and he's expected to do a job. To be fair to the lad, he hasn't had the service, but at the end of the day we got a result which reflected the score."

It's official! Football's responsible for 93 of the top 100 most useless phrases in the English language. But enough about Jimmy Greaves, let's get on with the review.

For anyone who's spent the last 150 years thinking they're a lemon, here's a brief resume of the rules - Football's a game played by 22 men with one normal-shaped ball; yeah, you know the rest.

Crowd violence, board room crises, wheeler-dealing in the transfer market... none of these appear in Graeme Souness. This is a straight, no-frills, right-into-the-action football game! In truth, the old C64's been crying out for a decent footie sim for years - even the cream of the crop, Emlyn Hughes and Microprose Soccer (by consensus of the rest of the crew) are hardly a fitting tribute to our national sport. Microprose Soccer is more of an arcade kick-about than a real simulation (with its ludicrously exaggerated banana kicks) and Emlyn's let down by lack of speed and blocky graphics [True, but if they're fun to play, so what? - the rest of the crew]. At first, Graeme Souness looked very promising, with its tiny but convincing sprites allowing plenty of the pitch to be visible at any one time...

Alas! First impressions are often misleading, and this proved all too true with this offering.

For example, there's very little control over kicking. Worse still is the way the computer decides which player to give you control over - you never seem to get the one you want! This is annoying enough in one player mode, when the computer player just runs past your static team and scores, but it also kills the two-player game. On several occasions, Chris and I found ourselves with no control over any of our players and the ball sitting redundant in the middle of the pitch!

The 'extended options' boasted on the inlay are pretty minimal. Team colours, number of players (1 or 2) and game length are the only variables. There isn't even a league or tournament option.

If more care had been put into it, Graeme Souness International Soccer could've been really good. Instead, it plays like a very early pre-production sample!

Altogether now - "What a load of balls!"

We'll start where all soccer matches begin, the kick off. My first dazzling tactic (guaranteed to confuse the opposition) is to boot the ball up the field, so, I'll place my midfielder in position and get kickin'... oh dear, my man kinda stumbled over!

Never mind I'll pass the ball instead. Right, time for some action... hang on! My team-mate's run past the ball and disappeared off screen! Surely there's some mistake.

It looks okay, has some good humorous touches but the players often just stand around gawping at each other - do they know the match has started?! And it's not even half time yet ... aarrghh!

Presentation 46%
Basic options screen, no frills

Graphics 71%
Small but atmospheric

Sound 38%
Playing the ball sounds like kicking a tin can

Hookability 60%
Initially playable but promises more than it delivers

Lastability 12%
It wouldn't get through the qualifiers

Overall 41%