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Gazza... I know that fellow. He's the one who says "Wey aye mum", has a fetish for sticking his tongue out, and his biggest claim to fame is crying in the middle of a match. And let's face it, he's a bit of a porker! Having been saturated in hype and built up like the Roman Empire by constant press coverage, the word Gazza is now a household name. No-one was surprised when a computer version of his footy antics arrived at the office, but when we saw how indescribably bad it was, we nearly died of shock!

Super Soccer combines vertical and horizontal perspectives, with (as usual) each side battling to thwack the pigs bladder into the net. Before any on-pitch activity can begin however, you are confronted by the selection screens. A number of teams are available, and it you're feeling adventurous you can rename them to your liking (contain your excitement, I've hardly begun).

Statistics are next, accompanied by the game type: league, cup or a friendly. My expectations of Gazza's Super Soccer were flushed from the start. The loading screen portrays Gazza as a thin, grey amputee. He really is missing one arm! Hopes of a playable product slid even more when the match began. Never have I witnessed such a tawdry, powder puff of a footy sim.

The middle section of the pitch is viewed from the side, the perspective changing to an 'into the screen' view of the goalmouth when the ball leaves the screen - it doesn't scroll at all. The blokes jigger around like doped Lego bricks and the changing viewpoints just don't work, full stop.

The goalmouth shots are identical, the keepers even wear the same coloured kit, leading to confusion and countless own goals. When the viewpoint changes, some players disappear or get lost in an avalanche of flicker, the flow of the game being totally spoiled. Challenging the computer is a joke, the first manoeuvre it performs is to welly the ball out of play!

Shot strength is determined by the "Boot-O-Meter", a small dot in a triangle which enlarges to indicate power used. To perform a powershot you hold down fire, causing your player to stop completely and (usually) get tackled. To gain control of the goalie you press ENTER, a ridiculous idea - it should be joystick or keyboard-controlled, not a half-handed mixture of the two.

If I was given this game as a present I'd verbally abuse the sender until my feet turned into tree roots! Charging four golden pennies for this washed, fluffy flannel is a crime. There are multitudes of games of far superior quality (and superior license figures) to choose from. Play this again? I'd rather have an army of angered wasps trapped in my trousers!

No apologies, no regrets. Gazza's Super Soccer is the worst game I've ever seen on the C64, bar none!

Welding together two different perspectives in one game is a barmy idea, and it works about as well as the Windsor Castle fire sprinklers. Apart from being hellishly confusing, it's also badly implemented - when playing the computer your opponent often fails to notice when the viewpoint changes, and boots the ball into touch. Also, as you run towards the goal in the middle section (horizontally) and swtich to the goalmouth view, your player sprite carries on running *across* the screen, now heading for the touchline! Can you *imagine* how annoying this is?

I could go on about the sluggish controls, lousy running speed or hideous sound (kicking the ball sounds like wellying a sheep's bladder while it's still in the sheep), but I won't. As the great man himself might say, "It's a lurd o' rubbish, mum. Wayeye they prugrammed it in't fust place I divvun knaa, it's enurf ta mek ya crye - Waaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Presentation 12% Dismal title screen, little else.

Graphics 13% Shabby sprites, bland and boring.

Sound 11% Ploppy ball sounds and feeble peeps.

Hookability 13% As enthralling as air.

Lastability 12% Last? Not a hope.

Overall 11%