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There comes a time, the walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax... and how the hell you actually play Gazza's Super Soccer! After repeated games you'll find that while you know what to do, the big question is how!

Gazza's specifications are impressive: correct strips, league-building facilities, individual player characteristics, realistic ball control, set piece manouvres, heading, fouling, tackling, one or two-player action, plus a veritable Aladdin's Cave of cups, practice matches, corners, free kicks and penalties. Mighty claims indeed, but does the million-pound man live up to his billing?

The true test of any footie sim has to be on the pitch. In Gazza, a unique approach has been attempted, with the centre of the pitch viewed from the side - from the stands - while the goalmouth action is seen from the end to give a TV perspective of what's going down. The aim's to create a game that not only looks different, but that gives you more of the goal to see and shoot at.

The controls are largely traditional, with the player running in the direction of the joystick/key command and kicking on a push of the fire but-ton. Shot strength can be gauged by use of a boot-o-meter, as can direction and spin. Although the length of time the trigger is held often proves a less distracting guide. Control of specific players is changed by pressing Fire with the joystick untouched.

The system for switching between playing areas uses a flick-screen set up. As soon as the ball crosses between one of the three sec-tors, the view automatically swings to follow it. Beware, though - the player control cursor doesn't automatically transfer to one of your players in the new area. So you can suddenly find yourself trying to play with a man that's no longer on screen or with no-one near the ball!

Dribbling the length of the field is tough too. because of the flick-screen's rather odd characteristics. You play up the screen towards each goal, while in the central section you play from left to right. This means that not only is it entirely possible for you to forget which way the correct goal is, but a 90 degree change in direction is necessary if you run from a goalmouth to the centre of the pitch. Which means you lose the ball and all sense of direction.

The menus in between games allow you to develop the squad into a formidable foot-ball force by boosting their skill and fitness levels. You can even create leagues and tournaments to enter and play in. But all this work is held back by the lack of control on the pitch itself.

First off you'll be amazed at the lad from Newcastle's funny run, which features a nice line in quantum leaps. It's as if he's been taught the art of sprinting by a super-fit team of morris dancers.

Graphically, the players themselves are a happy and healthy bunch, although a bit stiff. They also feature an amazing ability to dribble with the ball behind them! This makes tackling harder, and seeing the ball impossible! Their realistic strip colours, though, look far from authentic. Unless your team actually plays in black and white that is! As for goalie movement, keepers like to dive for the ball occasionally, which for all the waggling in the world is a move you'll never get out of Gazza's boys.

Gazza may be OK as a stop-gap substitute, but until they get injured, play Gary Lineker or Emlyn Hughes instead.

Difficult to control, and your players all move as if they've got springs under their boots...

Score a goal.

No better.

Graphics 55%
P. Good sprites.
N. Bad animation.

Sonics 10%
P. Is it interference or crowd noise?

Grab Factor 33%
P. Hard to control.
P. Less than comprehensive instructions.

Staying Power 45%
N. It may be possible to master the finer points.

Overall 46%
Annoying and tiring footie sim.