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It's Darkman. "Well, switch the flipping light on then, man." Ho ho. We're putting this joke in the comedy public domain, so you and your chums can have hours of fun re-telling it again and again. More fun than you'll have playing the game? Well, that depends how patient and how beat-'em-up hardened you are.

Darkman was actually a film that no-one bothered going to see. That includes us, so we're going to have to guess what it was about. We think it was something to do with an Egyptian mummy in a trenchcoat, who wandered around kicking and punching people, until he died. Well, that's what the game's like anyway. The film might have had more to it.

Darkman consists of nine levels, if you include the photo session sub-games, of which there are three. These seem to be shooting gallery sort of things, but we're blowed if we can work out what you're supposed to do...

Level One is set in Chinatown. (That's Chinatown in New York, not Chinatown in London, or Chinatown in, er, China) The basic idea here is to move right, punching and kicking all the evil Sainsbury's staff, ninja scuba divers and savage poodles that appear and try to do you an injury (well, several injuries actually). This is, let's be honest, pretty darned difficult.

If you get past it, you then get to play the photo session thing. Oh, hang on, yeah. We think you've got to press the Fire button wildly over the person who looks like the photo you get shown at the start. And then maybe you'll get some energy back or something...

Level Two (three, if you include the photo thing), set in a factory, is the same as Level One, only with platforms in it. It also bears a remarkable similarity to Batman The Movie. It's also darned frustrating to misjudge a jump and end up five levels lower down!

Level Three is the best of the lot. Durrant (a baddie) is lobbing grenades at you as you leap from roof to roof. Timing is all-important here. Level Five sees you being dangled from a helicopter over a busy motorway. Sounds silly? It plays a bit silly too, actually.

Then there are another two photo-thing levels and two more platformy beat-'em-up jobbies. And that's it really. Graphics are great, with lovely detailed backgrounds. Sound is limited but okay, and there's certainly plenty of game for your money.

Unfortunately it's so hard, and so darned tedious, you'll probably give up without getting past Level One.

It looks like Dick Tracy - without the gun. OK, so the overcoat's not banana-coloured, but the gameplay - while more varied - isn't much more fun. I'm glad I didn't go to see the film...

Persevere!

Graphics 86%
So nice, a mod Sicilian might attack them with a hammer at any moment.

Sonics 63%
You're unlikely to be bopping to this down the disco.

Grab Factor 23%
Tedious, difficult opening level doesn't bode well...

Staying Power 72%
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind (hint).

Overall 57%
There's a lot to do in Darkman, but little chance of being able to do much of it.