Are you an 'ard nut? Can you break huge planks of wood with your bare hands? If the answer to both questions is 'yes', please don't hurt me, and how much cash do you want to borrow? Mark "Kung Fu" Caswell's got a black belt, you know.
There are four games on the combat pack, and all of 'em feature big psychos, with even bigger weapons, kicking tail. First up is Ninja Commando, the story of a Ninjitsu warrior out for truth, justice and the right to drink lots of sake.
Our lad starts the game unarmed, but by leaping on enough bad guys' heads he receives weapons: a shuriken then grenades, a flame thrower and finally a machine gun. Hurry 'coz there's a timer, and a bonus is awarded for precious seconds left at the end of the horizontally scrolling level. The sprites are small but they certainly pack a punch - this is a compulsive, Vigilante-style beat-'em-up.
Eat Your Heart Out, Steve Austin
Bionic Ninja takes us to the Icarus Earth Defence Base, which is being attacked by xenophobic and very unfriendly aliens. What can the human inhabitants of the base do to defend themselves? "Build a robotic Ninja, protector," is the answer.
You play the brave Ninjabot deployed to infiltrate the enemy base and generally kick some bad-guy ass. You have two weapons to hand (shuriken and sword), and are able to make a few eyes water with a handful of martial-arts moves.
In each of the five horizontally scrolling levels, a host of alien aggressors try to send you to sushi heaven. So grab your espadrilles and shout "Banzai, dudes" at an annoyingly loud volume (or maybe not!).
Ah So, 'Ere We Go
In Kick Box Vigilante, our boy doesn't possess any weapons, but he's a master of the ancient martial art of No Can Do. The Siandown Temple's the venue for the big kick around, with four opponents to thrash (each one twice, so there's eight battles in all). And with each opponent comes a different backdrop, so your eyes are given something to watch as your guy's mashed to pulp.
Up in the status panel each fighter has five Yin and Yang symbols to denote energy. Each time one of you is smacked over the head you lose a bit. This goes on until one of you chews canvas and is the guest of the local hospital for a couple of months. Just make sure the joker on the floor ain't you.
Howdy Pardnarrgh!
And finally we have Spaghetti Western, a rootin', tootin' journey into a typical Wild West town. As usual, the bad guys have taken over, and are running amok even as we squeak. This is where a bounty hunter would come in handy, so enter stage left Clint Westband - the best manhunter on either side of the Rocky Mountains. There are five outlaws to bring in, dead or alive but, being a mean basfitch, Clint'll probably bring 'em in dead.
As he sends the villainous hordes to Boot Hill, Clint's bounty increases, but there are other bits and bobs to collect including money bags, extra ammo, whisky bottles (hic) and hamburgers (huuurgh!).
Overall this game pack is very playable. Okay. I admit some of the graphics leave a little to be desired, but I think we can forgive Zeppelin for that - especially as I love martial-arts movies and am similarly fond of 'chop suey' beat-'em-up games. The only thing that puzzles me slightly is the inclusion of a cowboy game - why not keep it all in an Oriental vein? Mind you, that's a minor niggle 'coz Combat Pack #3 is well worth the measly price tag.