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Ever had those days where you wonder why you got up? Why you bothered? What exactly it might be that drives you? For me, this is one of those days. You see, I could be reviewing a fast new driving game, I could be reviewing an exciting new horizontal scrolling shooter, or I could even be reviewing porn. Hell, at this point I think I'd take a remake of Rise Of The Robots as a plus. If it was done entirely in ASCII art. On a CPC. In Basic. And I had to type in the source code myself using German keywords on a keyboard with 25 broken keys.

Because my friends, what I have been given to review is "Barbie Seahorse Adventures". There is no way this can end well. It's not what you'd call a glamour assignment is it?

First things first, this is not actually a game starring the world's 2nd most famous plastic chav (after Amy Winehouse); it's literally a game about a Seahorse called Barbie. The name appears to be a takeoff of the nightmare that is "Barbie Horse Adventures".

Barbie Seahorse Adventures is a simple platform game in the tradition of a lot of 8 and 16-Bit efforts, the controls boil down simply to 'Left', 'Right', 'Jump' and 'Shoot'. Your hero defeats enemies by shooting air bubbles to trap them (after multiple shots which doesn't make much sense). Once trapped they simply drift upwards out of the screen, disappointingly they can't be popped Bubble Bobble style. This, along with the main character being a sea creature implies that the game is set under the sea but that doesn't appear to be the case. The other controls all work as if you're on land and Barbie has to slide and jump rather than swim through the levels.

Graphically, BSA is basic, even crude at times, probably on the level of an average Master System game. The animation is sparse but just about functional although I've still not managed to work out exactly how this seahorse is able to move on land, answers on a postcard on that one. The music is considerably better, upbeat and jaunty, which is good because the spot effects are about two bleeps from completely non-existent.

However it's the game-play which lets this title down, while not by any means actually 'bad', BSA makes too many little mistakes which have absolutely no place in a platform game, retro-themed or not. For a start it makes the first cardinal sin whereby falling out of the bottom of the screen kill you roughly half the time. Annoyingly, the other half of the time it's actually required to progress through the level (and there are never any clear signposts as to when this is true).

It also takes the incredibly cheap approach of re-spawning enemies that you've already defeated as soon as you wander about three pixels away from being able to see their spawn position on screen. It largely does this so you can ride the enemy bubbles to higher platforms but the mechanism for doing so is very clunky thanks to the inaccurate and laggy jumping physics. The level design is also a little uninspired, largely being a result of 3 or 4 set pieces per environment stitched together in slightly different ways.

There are three worlds, each with a few levels (although none of them are particularly large). There's also no real distinct theme - for instance, the gravity on the moon levels is exactly the same as everywhere else so it's really just a cosmetic change rather than anything that effects game-play. The developers really missed a chance here to add some variety to the game by making the physics fit in with the level environment.

Ultimately though, it's pretty simple. This kind of game has been done before and it's been done a lot better on any other format you care to name. BSA isn't aggressively bad but it's certainly a dull, uninspired and lazy game seemingly made so people can giggle at the incredibly poor pun in the game's title.

Although Dudley's review of BSA may be a little on the harsh side, he has raised some fair points. The distinct lack of real game-play variety throughout the different worlds, the odd physics and omission of any clear objective or direction all turn what could have been a retro freeware gem into a very average affair.

Personally, I think the NES-style pixel artwork and audio are two of the strong points of BSA, but when playing the game you can't help but feel that it's all a bit unfinished. Actually, the fact that you can select any starting level gives me the impression that this may indeed just be a preview of a work-in-progress game, but there's no indication that this is the case (especially when you take into consideration that the website has recently disappeared).

In conclusion, BSA offers nothing that hasn't been done before, which is a shame as it is clear that a lot of work has gone into its creation. There's no doubt that if the game had been given improved clarity of direction and a proper theme then this review would have been far more positive. Oh, and lets not to forget that wack title - the original name (Bubble Kong) was far more fitting.