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The crowd roars, the leaders cheer, and Chris "Basket Case" Hayward slams, dunks and apple bobs his way to stardom (and then starts to dribble)...

Americans like their sports huge, hyped and ludicrously loud. If the rules aren't complex the nation isn't satisfied. All participants must be built like re-inforced bulldozers, and teams of girlies must flounce their limbs whilst clutching two large clumps of tassely wool. In typical American style it isn't the taking part that matters, it's the winning that counts!

Basketball is, apparently, the largest sport in the world. It's a game where monstrous height and a pair of foolishly overpriced trainers can make all the difference. Not content with being named after their city titles, the yanks like to add more fitting entitlements like the L.A. Lakers, Chicago Bulls, Boston Stranglers, etc, though behind the pretence and charade the sole aim is to bounce a ball around, get it through a net and then strut around high-fiving. Zeppelin's newy tries (note the word tries) to capture the essence of this glory splattered sport, but ends up in a loop-less mess.

Before you can lurch into the tip-off, you need to shovel your way through the option-saturated selection screens (I'm being highly sarcastic of course) where you choose what team you control, the colour of your strip and game type (single match or Tournament). When these arduous specifications are set it's on to the court to get shootin' those hoops. Yes, the court - now there's a topic for discussion. The entire play area is brown with yellow lines. No hoardings, no revelling crowd, nothing.

If the playability's better than the graphics all should be dandy, but what lies before us is a very cheap-looking basketball 'simulation'. The inlay card promises many exciting features, but, as expected, the myriad of options are missing. Where oh where was the ability to 'dunk' the ball as stated? My interpretation of 'dunking' is sprinting up to the net, leaping 40ft in the air, powering the ball through the mesh and swinging about on the ring like a hapless orangutan.

The sprites have no intention of sprinting (lifting a leg seems too much trouble, let alone jumping!), the ball bypasses the net when you score and they wouldn't swing around even if able; they're all too busy deciding who should go and pick up the ball.

Deciphering shot strength is implausible and the ball runs out of play far too quickly. Thankfully, at least some of the game is accurate. The three-second rule is imposed, i.e. if a player stays in the opposing side's basket box then a penalty shot is awarded. If would be all well and good if it was possible to score from this position, but it's not.

When it comes to basketball, you may as well go to your nearest leisure centre than purchase this. You'll have more amusement, more dunks and the chance to score - not just baskets, but with a babe and her pompons.

Chris 31%

Odd! Didn't we review this a while ago? Strange, where have the goal posts gone? Why has my player picked the ball up? Funniest game of football I've ever seen. Wait a minute - it's basketball!

Almost identical to Zeppelin's earlier release International 5-A-Side Soccer in design and graphics, they obviously think they have a winning formula. They haven't - this is a deeply unentertaining bash at the sport.

Ball movement is totally unconvincing and strategies are very limited. Either zig-zag your way up the pitch (and probably get tackled) or just chuck the ball as far as you can, and hope it goes to one of your players. Well crumby! 46%

Presentation 36% Easy to use menu but few options.

Graphics 33% Sparse colour, and terrible animation.

Sound 32% Blib blob - is that supposed to be a ball?

Hookability 34% Quick, pull the plug!

Lastability 30% Don't put your dosh in this basket!

Overall 38%