Just for a change, here's a football game that doesn't feature all the World Cup teams or give astrological profiles of the Cameroon First XI. This is just good, old, played-in-sports-centres-by-balding-overweight-businessmen Five-A-Side.

Well, calling it "good" is perhaps a bit of an overstatement, this being one of the weakest of the current crowd of soccer sims. The Spectrum version starts off with some crisp sampled speech, but from there it's all downhill. The game is slowsville, the viewed-from-above players look like they're bent in the middle as they run around, and tackling the opposing team can sometimes get them very confused, causing them to run backwards and forwards on the spot. Yuk.

It takes more than sampled speech to save this ghastyle game of football. Try Match Day instead.

More colourful, but in all other respects, similar to the Spectrum version and equally poor. Something of an own goal for Silverbird, unfortunately.