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"Well, howdy JR! How are things going down at your litt'l oi' oil refinery?"

"Well Lula Mae, we've just got ourselves a fine new anti-terrorist device. Daddy sure woulda been prouda me. Yep, it's called a Scorpion battle machine. We're puttin' it through some mighty tough tests right now. It's tryin' to stop a simulated refinery sabotage by movin' along a network of pipelines, avoidin' movin' obstacles and shootin' all the bomb layers. Not only that, it's also pickin' up the bombs and once it's collected them all up on one layer it just moves right on down to the next... Absolutely wonderful, honey."

"Just like you, tweety-pie..."

Quick pan to fireplace.

"Hey!", I thought. "Some really neat graphics - and parallax scrolling too - cor!" Then I started to play the game. Bland is about the only word that springs to mind. Not that there isn't enough material here. Scorpion could have been good - in fact, if the control method wasn't so slow and awkward, it might even have been really good, but it's not. By the time you've crashed into your third blob because you didn't make a pixel-perfect turn, you won't have much enthusiasm left for the game.

In fact, if you're not beginning to show signs of dozing off after twenty minutes I'm a four-legged Dutchman in a penguin suit [Fancy another fish, Kati? - Ed]

Pacman is living proof that a collect-'em-up doesn't have to be fancy to be fun. Scorpion isn't fancy but because of a really awkward control method, it's not even that much fun. Basically, you just can't move around the screen fast enough to keep away from the skimming blobs and jelly cubes wriggling hot on your trail.

If you do get it right, there's nothing to look forward to - just another boring network of joints and pipes. And, as Harold Wilson will tell you any day of the week, once you've seen one pipe, you've seen them all.

Presentation 50%
A few scrolling messages on the title scree and, er, well, that's it.

Graphics 65%
Glossy pipe effects and some neat parallax scrolling.

Sound 50%
Funky title music and squirty sound effects.

Hookability 56%
Just enough to get you into the first level.

Lastability 39%
Not enough variety to keep you playing for long.

Overall 56%
One of those games you bring out on a rainy day - and then put away again.