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According to the FA, Football is having its darkest hour. What crap. Football's darkest hour was in 1983, during a routine soccer game at Southbourne Bourne School. Imagine the scene, twenty skinny sods freezing their knackers off (some of whom were wearing stuff from the 'Gyppo' bag because their kit-for-getting ruse had failed) as Mr. "Call me Mick" Bennett divided them into two teams.

I was always lucky because I got picked fairly easily. Not because I was good, but I was mates with the ones who were. And I had the red England away shirt - tres cool. With two sides of ten picked, the typical swearing at the crap players who refused to get muddy and doing as little running as possible ensued, with the odd goal from the only two people who could be arsed to run. At the end of this double games torture, the score stood at 9-9, so a penalty shoot-out was to decide it.

However, this ended with the scores still tired, so good old Mick said he'd take a penalty at each 'keeper and whoever saved it was the winner. All of a sudden someone shouted "put Merrett in for it", and I was pushed in goal, with this demented Sunday League git running at me before toe-punting the ball. Jumping to avoid it, the ball caught me straight in the knackers and blew me into the tangled netting. So next time the FA go on about Vinny, they should just bloody well shut up, right?

Using whatever means necessary, get that ball in the back of your opponent's net. Go on, give 'em a slap...

To put none-too-fine a point on it, fouling is an integral part of Fever Pitch. The in-game ref is an invisible deity who obviously floats somewhere above the pitch looking for misdemeanours, but it still proves rather easy to lay out an opponent currently in possession rather than delicately win the ball from them.

Fever Pitch's programmers have put the emphasis on arcade playability, stating that they hate the way time is wasted in the likes of Sensi and FIFA before you can take a throw in or corner. As such, no sooner has the ball gone out of play in Fever Pitch, a player is set up to throw or kick it back into touch.

With goal kicks treated in the same manner, this means that the only stoppages needed in the game are for injury time and setting up free kicks.

However, if you are currently not in possession, their uses switch to those of sliding kicks, sticking a hopeful leg out (and hopefully, tapping an opponent's shin as they go by) or blatantly fouling anyone in your path.

Using the star players' moves, though, is simply down to pressing the B button which will send Tricky and co skipping of stomping towards goal.

Initially, these are mainly marking heroes like Mr. Rigatoni for your midfield, but eventually you'll find the Containers and Bargers queuing to join your eleven.

FIFA, yeah, it's good and all that, but let's face it - it's really, really slooooow! Even the updated FIFA '95 plods along a bit, and you still don't feel in complete control, despite the new passing move. Then along comes Fever Pitch. Although its addition of footy star characters seems a bit of a gimmick, the bare bones of action is far, far better than that of the EA game.

Every aspect of the game is a treat, with loads of neat passing, the well-placed star players, and fast and well animated sprites, and whilst it takes a while to get to grips with the plentiful controls, perseverance brings its own rewards.

If I have to level a gripe at Fever Pitch, though, it's that it lacks a little depth. Just as Sensi and FIFA get a little tedious after a dozen or so games, Fever Pitch reveals most of its moves in the first few games (including some smart set-pieces), whereas Super NES owners have Konami's International Superstar Soccer which is constantly adding new possibilities to the basic game.

When US Gold first brought Fever Pitch to our attention (in typically in-yer-face manner) I thought they were brave indeed to foist yet another football game on Megadrive owners (recalling their World Cup effort).

Thankfully, Fever Pitch gets it right where that game, and many others have failed. It's the essence of pick up and play, with simple controls, minimum interuptions and none of the kitchen-sink options bollocks that normally take up precious memory.

Graphics 85%
P. FIFA-style sprites, with the star players instantly recognisable. A good variety of play surfaces, too.
N. A few more 'frills', such as rippling nets and more intermission pics, would have been nice.

Sound 43%
P. The tackles sound as if they really hurt!
N. The rest is absolutely awful. Dire effects and lispy sound effects.

Lastability 87%
P. The tournament is tough, with even the Arab Emirates putting up a fight.
N. The actual match action soon proves a little limited.

Value For Money 90%
P. The same price as FIFA '95, but for better in every respect.

Overall 90%
Shock! Horror! Fever Pitch in better than FIFA shocker! It's faster, more controllable, and infinitely more playable. 'Nuff said?